To be or not to be...

Question is same but it has many variants, one applicable for each corner of life.

To be or not to be a seeker...
To be or not to be a stranger every day...
To be or not to be an atheist...
To be or not to be hopeful...
To be or not to be confused...
To be or not to be happy...
To be or not to be someone...
To be or not to be missing...
To be or not to be alive...
To be or not to be understood...
To be or not to be desired...
To be or not to be a human...

Above all...

To be or not to be myself... To be or not to be...

Randomness

Sometimes...

I wish life is what it looks like it is
I wish ocean was that calm from inside
I wish mountains had that wooly feelings

But nothing is what it looks like and so is life

Life and ocean.. both have their own shares of calm phases and phases of storms.
Storms is not what that always is visible from outside. Sometime.. a storm hits a fisher man and his every possession is gone.. other just see the calm face of sea. For the poor fisher man it was a storm that took everything away, for other... it is time to prepare for storms that will hit the sea someday.

Life in the sea in not about only storms and calmness. There are other forms of lives which are waiting for a life to make one mistake. Shark wanders in calm oceans they dont need a storm to make havoc. So it is not calmness of sea... which is needed. Something else is there... to be desired.

Neither all seas are same nor are all lives. Everyone has their own sea, own sharks and own storms.

My sea is different and i am just waiting for it to calm down.. or may be... one day my sea will merge into another. May be that would calm it down or may be.. that would bring its own storms.

I dont know, I am just clinching my boat. Keeping my oars close to my heart and wish.. the island i see there is actually there.

I am happy....

I am happy.
I don't know why,
And I don't want to know.

There is no reason of being happy,
And there are all reason
Of being unhappy laying there,
Crying for attention
Making every moment of their presence count.

And I am happy.
I don't know why,
And I don't want to know.

Perhaps I am tired
Of being tired?
Or I am happy
'Coz there are no new reason
Of being unhappy...

And I am happy.
I don't know why,
And I don't want to know.

Or may be I have realized
My being happy or unhappy
Makes no difference to rising sun
Or the morning next day
Every thing will smile on a new day...

And I am happy.
I don't know why,
And I don't want to know.

Me and She...

I said "I Love You". She said nothing. She never says anything.

Can she feel the way I do? "May be not".

Will she ever feel the way I do? I know the answer, "May be not". But I dont want to hear that answer.

Every morning I wake up with same irrestible desire. She looks so beautiful in the morning. Her innocence like morning dew, tenderness like untouched flower petals makes me grasping for breath every time I see her in morning. I cant help saying "I Love You" again... but she says nothing.

I know I am not the only one who is amazed of her beauty. Still I cant help.

I spend whole day wondering about the thought of not being the one but just one. But perhaps that doesnt matter to her. She is just too busy to notice me. May be she just doesnt care.

There is so much I want to say to her but she wont listen. She wont say anything, she wont change for me.

Still comes next morning and I say "I Love You" one more time but she wont say anyhing. Perhaps she will never.

One more day in my life... one more day I wish she talked to me... one more day in our story... me and she... me and bangalore city...

Red Light and Shooting Star....

Time: 6:30 PM
Date: 26 Aug 2008
Place: Sony world signal, Bangalore
Traffic condition: Normal (means bad)

Among the many people waiting for signal to turn green, I am looking at sky. May be hopeless in that grid of traffic. Looking at sky is always a relief. There is no hush there, no jam... may be some birds going back to their adobe, still sky is silent like a monk. It is almost same everyday. Clouds come and go but its vastness gives it unique quality of having all in it and still remain empty.

Sky today is not much different. I am looking at some distant corner, I dont feel like looking anyone near by. Suddenly... I see a shooting star from nowhere. It came, lived its moment of glories and vanished nowhere.

A shooting star... Time to wish a wish. I close my eyes and wish something, that wish wont come true I know deep inside. Still who knows? and wishing is not going to cost me anything.

A sudden realization... I am a product of 18 years of education, how can I believe in shooting stars and wish coming true? Wait... that wasn't a star also. May be some asteroid who came so near to earth that it started burning due to friction... I know I know.

But what if it was not a star? It was bright for that moment bright enough to make it shine like a star... bright enough to make people believe it as a star... bright enough so people can make a wish.

Wishing a wish. It will give someone a hope that his wish will come true. For that moment he might forget how real the world his but his wish will come true. So what if it wasnt a star?

Or it was a star? For that moment, for that person... for me. A star of hope. And it burnt itself for that hope... whatelse you need from a star?

A sudden void is filling me from inside. Am I a star for someone? may be for a moment only... may be I can give him a dream... do i have the guts to burn myself to give someone a smile? Can I be a star for some one for some moments?

That thought is enough to make me take notice of signal which is turning yellow. The best thing I can do now to race till next signal... I know that shooting star is laughing at me... and i am going to hide away in crowd.

One monday morning

Waiting for alarm to ring, I am watching the fan. Slowly slowly it keeps doing it's job. It's inability to reach anywhere after so many revolutions. I wondered what if it had been a wheel of some public bus? It would have got pleasure of watching so many people to reach their destination. The joy in their eyes when they see their loved one. The joy of covering one more extra mile to say "I care", but perhaps it's destiny is to be here.

When the wait is over me, I am outside. Something is different that day. I am feeling very light. I opened the door, watching from the balcony every thing looks same. Same old men going for a walk, same girl running with her iPod plugged in, the child on bicycle supplying people their daily dose of news every morning. A butterfly roaming around. It's beautiful, I told myself, I bend over balcony to touch it but it is on it's best. I slipped and closed my eyes, waiting for a thumping sound.

But there is no sound, I touched the ground from my hands but there is no ground. I opened my eyes slowly, I am flying closed to that butterfly. I feel scared but the feeling is good. I am flying high in sky. A bird is flying too near me, I told the bird that it is good to fly. He looked into me and said, "Yes, but not with you". I feel bad but started flying again.

But where do I go now? Yes, I have a friend. I wished I could see her sleeping but she is away... far far away. Still I will try. An hour long flight, my wings were tired now. I felt like hitting the ground every passing second but I continue. Wait, there is she. No wonder sun is still stuck at her window adoring that innocent face. A cloud is trying his best to keep sun away so that she takes a good sleep. I am watching her from here, thought I would wake her up. She will be so happy to see me there, a thought is coming in mind, will she? but i am waiting.

Something told me inside, let her sleep, dream a dream. May be she is living in her own world in dreams. Just wait beside her and catch her smile while she play with this world in dreams. A yawn and she is awake now. I am sitting just in front of her but wait, she will not notice me? Oh, I know. She is playing a prank on me... I am waiting but... it's no use. She is not noticing me, I felt like being torn apart in thousand parts. I called her with her name but no use. She is looking out of window now, but for what? Perhaps looking for future but I am waiting here.

Dejected and depressed I am coming out. I am feeling like I will explode any moment. Mom, my heart cried. As a child every time I spread my arms you were there, where are you now? My wings are tired and so is my heart. But I decide to go home. One more time I need to gather all my strength and fly. I fly high, high and high.

Ah, that's my house. It looks beautiful from this height too. Mom is there, preparing tea. I know she is awake from past two hours. She got fresh, milked buffalo, prepared some of the morning meal and now preparing tea. In the near by room all other are still sleeping.

I tapped her on shoulder from behind. she stopped working for a while and looked behind. Yes, I knew it. She would definitely notice me. I wish she hugs me once now. But she looked puzzled. I was puzzled too. She started working again but what about me? Now papa is here too. Mom said, perhaps she is not feeling, something is troubling her but something is troubling me too, I said aloud. But none seems to listen me today. Why? I asked to God.

I realized that it is Monday and i have to go to work, so started flying back. This time everything is a ton heavy, wings, heart and thoughts. I am above my room again. But I still have some time in my hand. I want a walk now. But everything is still looking same. Same parks, same people walking, running. Same group of old men laughing their troubles away in laughing club. I need a good laugh too... but why this dog is barking at me? I feel scared and rushed among those laughters. In those laughing faces now there is one more, one more voice but I am not able to hear my voice.

"I have a soar throat today", I told uncle near me but he is busy laughing. A group of bird is chirping around, "Life is good" now I told myself but those birds are in a cage in near by "home" or "a house"... whatever but they are not free like me... but why I am feeling free today?

Perhaps I am too tired today. I need a good sleep today. I came back... in my room. But who is sleeping in my bed and why? "Hey, who are you?" why doesn't he answer? Why he seems familiar? From the other side of bed... his face... wait... it is me. How come? Is it over? Now I know why the feeling of sudden freedom, why that flying experience, the dog and mom.

But I wanna live some more time... say sorry to many, thanks to all... perhaps I want to say "I love you" to my mom thousand more time. Tired... I lied on floor... I am feeling sleepy.. perhaps for final time... a loud ring is going on... perhaps the final call!!!

Someone is tapping on my shoulder... "wake up, your alarm is ringing from one hour...", "why you are sleeping on floor?"... wow... there is none on my bed now... I jumped in air.. but I am down again in moment... terribly hurted I feel good that I am not flying... I smiled... whole day I thanked everyone...

"what happened?" someone asked. "You will understand only if you were flying...", he is confused but I am happy...

A shadow...

I am a shadow... a shadow of a human being. They call me colorless, absurd and boring. I follow my human being wherever he goes... changing my shapes as he passes by various shapes and figures. I just follow him in whatever he does, wherever he goes... but never asked him why? Perhaps I was destined to follow him or perhaps it was never my destiny to question his deeds.

He kept forgetting my existence. So many times I cried behind him, became larger than life for him... shrank my self smaller than him... but he was just busy...in the rituals he called... Life. Following his dreams... may be bigger than his life, his own existence. There was a spark in his eyes whenever he dreamt and that spark gave me a belief in a better future.

Those days, he was changing... observing me closely... taking notice of little changes in me... the way I played with myself when I passed through the fence of a park, the way I changed myself when I jumped into a open window, the way I got enlarged at evening, the way I was... it made me happy... I played with myself more often. I kissed every pebble I found in the way...

Things were good... still there was something missing, I didn't know what that was... he laughed when he was alone as he used to. He was still dreaming some dreams... but he was looking into me.. something was making me deeply uncomfortable... and I was not able to put a finger on it... wait... those eyes... they were not wet... neither were they are dry.. but where was that spark?

One day we talked... finally. He said that he loved me, my existence... I felt proud... I grew darker from the feeling of that love. Still he had a question in his eyes. I asked him why? He hesitated, said, "you are never with me when the moments are dark... when there is no light... when there is a bright hot sun over my head... you are no where... then why should I trust you?"

That day was a cloudy day... I felt like loosing all my intensity. I wept through the entire night... and people called them dew on the grass. In the morning the weight of being questioned was all over me. Still I followed him as I always did. He was still looking into me... but the stiffness in those eyes was not soothing. A cool wind was blowing all over me... but the effect was not one that heals.

I felt like yelling at him and telling him that when there was no light, it was me who was all around him... to take care of him... to make him see what he is not able to see in day light... in the hot summer... I was hidden inside him... I need a shelter too... I am not Almighty... I need support too... but there is no sense... I am not destined to question him... perhaps I am just a shadow of a human being.