Waiting for alarm to ring, I am watching the fan. Slowly slowly it keeps doing it's job. It's inability to reach anywhere after so many revolutions. I wondered what if it had been a wheel of some public bus? It would have got pleasure of watching so many people to reach their destination. The joy in their eyes when they see their loved one. The joy of covering one more extra mile to say "I care", but perhaps it's destiny is to be here.
When the wait is over me, I am outside. Something is different that day. I am feeling very light. I opened the door, watching from the balcony every thing looks same. Same old men going for a walk, same girl running with her iPod plugged in, the child on bicycle supplying people their daily dose of news every morning. A butterfly roaming around. It's beautiful, I told myself, I bend over balcony to touch it but it is on it's best. I slipped and closed my eyes, waiting for a thumping sound.
But there is no sound, I touched the ground from my hands but there is no ground. I opened my eyes slowly, I am flying closed to that butterfly. I feel scared but the feeling is good. I am flying high in sky. A bird is flying too near me, I told the bird that it is good to fly. He looked into me and said, "Yes, but not with you". I feel bad but started flying again.
But where do I go now? Yes, I have a friend. I wished I could see her sleeping but she is away... far far away. Still I will try. An hour long flight, my wings were tired now. I felt like hitting the ground every passing second but I continue. Wait, there is she. No wonder sun is still stuck at her window adoring that innocent face. A cloud is trying his best to keep sun away so that she takes a good sleep. I am watching her from here, thought I would wake her up. She will be so happy to see me there, a thought is coming in mind, will she? but i am waiting.
Something told me inside, let her sleep, dream a dream. May be she is living in her own world in dreams. Just wait beside her and catch her smile while she play with this world in dreams. A yawn and she is awake now. I am sitting just in front of her but wait, she will not notice me? Oh, I know. She is playing a prank on me... I am waiting but... it's no use. She is not noticing me, I felt like being torn apart in thousand parts. I called her with her name but no use. She is looking out of window now, but for what? Perhaps looking for future but I am waiting here.
Dejected and depressed I am coming out. I am feeling like I will explode any moment. Mom, my heart cried. As a child every time I spread my arms you were there, where are you now? My wings are tired and so is my heart. But I decide to go home. One more time I need to gather all my strength and fly. I fly high, high and high.
Ah, that's my house. It looks beautiful from this height too. Mom is there, preparing tea. I know she is awake from past two hours. She got fresh, milked buffalo, prepared some of the morning meal and now preparing tea. In the near by room all other are still sleeping.
I tapped her on shoulder from behind. she stopped working for a while and looked behind. Yes, I knew it. She would definitely notice me. I wish she hugs me once now. But she looked puzzled. I was puzzled too. She started working again but what about me? Now papa is here too. Mom said, perhaps she is not feeling, something is troubling her but something is troubling me too, I said aloud. But none seems to listen me today. Why? I asked to God.
I realized that it is Monday and i have to go to work, so started flying back. This time everything is a ton heavy, wings, heart and thoughts. I am above my room again. But I still have some time in my hand. I want a walk now. But everything is still looking same. Same parks, same people walking, running. Same group of old men laughing their troubles away in laughing club. I need a good laugh too... but why this dog is barking at me? I feel scared and rushed among those laughters. In those laughing faces now there is one more, one more voice but I am not able to hear my voice.
"I have a soar throat today", I told uncle near me but he is busy laughing. A group of bird is chirping around, "Life is good" now I told myself but those birds are in a cage in near by "home" or "a house"... whatever but they are not free like me... but why I am feeling free today?
Perhaps I am too tired today. I need a good sleep today. I came back... in my room. But who is sleeping in my bed and why? "Hey, who are you?" why doesn't he answer? Why he seems familiar? From the other side of bed... his face... wait... it is me. How come? Is it over? Now I know why the feeling of sudden freedom, why that flying experience, the dog and mom.
But I wanna live some more time... say sorry to many, thanks to all... perhaps I want to say "I love you" to my mom thousand more time. Tired... I lied on floor... I am feeling sleepy.. perhaps for final time... a loud ring is going on... perhaps the final call!!!
Someone is tapping on my shoulder... "wake up, your alarm is ringing from one hour...", "why you are sleeping on floor?"... wow... there is none on my bed now... I jumped in air.. but I am down again in moment... terribly hurted I feel good that I am not flying... I smiled... whole day I thanked everyone...
"what happened?" someone asked. "You will understand only if you were flying...", he is confused but I am happy...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
A shadow...
I am a shadow... a shadow of a human being. They call me colorless, absurd and boring. I follow my human being wherever he goes... changing my shapes as he passes by various shapes and figures. I just follow him in whatever he does, wherever he goes... but never asked him why? Perhaps I was destined to follow him or perhaps it was never my destiny to question his deeds.
He kept forgetting my existence. So many times I cried behind him, became larger than life for him... shrank my self smaller than him... but he was just busy...in the rituals he called... Life. Following his dreams... may be bigger than his life, his own existence. There was a spark in his eyes whenever he dreamt and that spark gave me a belief in a better future.
Those days, he was changing... observing me closely... taking notice of little changes in me... the way I played with myself when I passed through the fence of a park, the way I changed myself when I jumped into a open window, the way I got enlarged at evening, the way I was... it made me happy... I played with myself more often. I kissed every pebble I found in the way...
Things were good... still there was something missing, I didn't know what that was... he laughed when he was alone as he used to. He was still dreaming some dreams... but he was looking into me.. something was making me deeply uncomfortable... and I was not able to put a finger on it... wait... those eyes... they were not wet... neither were they are dry.. but where was that spark?
One day we talked... finally. He said that he loved me, my existence... I felt proud... I grew darker from the feeling of that love. Still he had a question in his eyes. I asked him why? He hesitated, said, "you are never with me when the moments are dark... when there is no light... when there is a bright hot sun over my head... you are no where... then why should I trust you?"
That day was a cloudy day... I felt like loosing all my intensity. I wept through the entire night... and people called them dew on the grass. In the morning the weight of being questioned was all over me. Still I followed him as I always did. He was still looking into me... but the stiffness in those eyes was not soothing. A cool wind was blowing all over me... but the effect was not one that heals.
I felt like yelling at him and telling him that when there was no light, it was me who was all around him... to take care of him... to make him see what he is not able to see in day light... in the hot summer... I was hidden inside him... I need a shelter too... I am not Almighty... I need support too... but there is no sense... I am not destined to question him... perhaps I am just a shadow of a human being.
He kept forgetting my existence. So many times I cried behind him, became larger than life for him... shrank my self smaller than him... but he was just busy...in the rituals he called... Life. Following his dreams... may be bigger than his life, his own existence. There was a spark in his eyes whenever he dreamt and that spark gave me a belief in a better future.
Those days, he was changing... observing me closely... taking notice of little changes in me... the way I played with myself when I passed through the fence of a park, the way I changed myself when I jumped into a open window, the way I got enlarged at evening, the way I was... it made me happy... I played with myself more often. I kissed every pebble I found in the way...
Things were good... still there was something missing, I didn't know what that was... he laughed when he was alone as he used to. He was still dreaming some dreams... but he was looking into me.. something was making me deeply uncomfortable... and I was not able to put a finger on it... wait... those eyes... they were not wet... neither were they are dry.. but where was that spark?
One day we talked... finally. He said that he loved me, my existence... I felt proud... I grew darker from the feeling of that love. Still he had a question in his eyes. I asked him why? He hesitated, said, "you are never with me when the moments are dark... when there is no light... when there is a bright hot sun over my head... you are no where... then why should I trust you?"
That day was a cloudy day... I felt like loosing all my intensity. I wept through the entire night... and people called them dew on the grass. In the morning the weight of being questioned was all over me. Still I followed him as I always did. He was still looking into me... but the stiffness in those eyes was not soothing. A cool wind was blowing all over me... but the effect was not one that heals.
I felt like yelling at him and telling him that when there was no light, it was me who was all around him... to take care of him... to make him see what he is not able to see in day light... in the hot summer... I was hidden inside him... I need a shelter too... I am not Almighty... I need support too... but there is no sense... I am not destined to question him... perhaps I am just a shadow of a human being.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
A moon
Life of moon is pretty boring... nothing much changes here. No life... no storms. But i used to see life on earth, happy and happening. I knew there are many stars and i am a bit bigger and brighter than others. It made me happier than ever.
Then one day i realized earth was revolving around me. It made me more happy. Things seemed to be moving now. At least there was a life on earth. I felt like living. I changed my look. Sometimes i was a full bright moon, sometime only enough to be visible. This hide and seek made me playful.
But somewhere truth was seeking me. One day... the hard truth came in my way. Earth was not revolving around me. It was me who was revolving around every month. That day was eclipse in my life. I tried to hide... but soon that was over and i had to face the reality.
I started living again.. at least i was revolving around the earth. It did not mattered if she was stationary. I was happy again.
But still the day was about to come. A star passed near me and whispered in my ear something. I stopped for a day or two. My earth was not stationary, it was revolving around sun. That day for the first time, i felt burnt by sun's shine. I envy him, but it was something which i had to accept.
I still revolve around the earth and she around the sun. Still i am brighter among other star... still there is a life on earth... still i change my brightness every day... but perhaps that shine is gone. The life is now on earth only.
I am still the same moon...
Then one day i realized earth was revolving around me. It made me more happy. Things seemed to be moving now. At least there was a life on earth. I felt like living. I changed my look. Sometimes i was a full bright moon, sometime only enough to be visible. This hide and seek made me playful.
But somewhere truth was seeking me. One day... the hard truth came in my way. Earth was not revolving around me. It was me who was revolving around every month. That day was eclipse in my life. I tried to hide... but soon that was over and i had to face the reality.
I started living again.. at least i was revolving around the earth. It did not mattered if she was stationary. I was happy again.
But still the day was about to come. A star passed near me and whispered in my ear something. I stopped for a day or two. My earth was not stationary, it was revolving around sun. That day for the first time, i felt burnt by sun's shine. I envy him, but it was something which i had to accept.
I still revolve around the earth and she around the sun. Still i am brighter among other star... still there is a life on earth... still i change my brightness every day... but perhaps that shine is gone. The life is now on earth only.
I am still the same moon...
Friday, November 2, 2007
Waqt
Ye waqt ruk kyon nahi jata?
Do pal ke liye
Safar hai lamba
Aur rasta kathin
Kafila tha jo mera
Nikal chuka hai aage kahin
Door se aati hai kabhi
Aawaz un sathiyon ki
Humsafar the kabhi jo
Fir bhi chal rahe hai kadam
Sham hone ko hai
Aur mukaam ka andaz nahi
Kabhi doobte sooraj ko dekhta hoon
Kabhi samne banhe failaye khade raste ko
Kabhi woh rasta aawaz deta hai
Jise main peeche chod aaya hoon
Kabhi mere hath ki gadi
Apne hone ka ahsaas deti hai
To kabhi meri mutthi ki rait
Bas gujarti jati hai
Kabhi ji karta hai pukaru use
Jo mera farishta hoga kahin
Kabhi sochta hoon nahi hai shayad farishta koi
Kuch sach kuch sapne
Lekin wahi adhura safar
Aur gujrata waqt
Kabhi cheekhta hai sannata
Kabhi khamosh ho jata hai antarman ka shor
Kabhi dekhta hoon nishan us raste par
Akela to nahi main
Bahut log gujre hai isi safar se
Par wo waqt shayad aur tha
Kabhi khojta hoon us veerame me
Shayad chipa hoga koi to kahin
Mere liye devdoot bankar
Ya koi aur bhatak raha hoga
Bhichad kar apne kafile se
Par sannate ko chirti
Meri sanso ki aawaz
Deti hai gawahi mere akelepan ki
Achanak udti hai dhool fir se
Shayad naya kafila hai koi
Na jane kyon
Ek dar sa lagta hai antarman me
Chup jata hoon main
Us purane peepal ke peeche
Yeh peepal mujhe
Na jane kyon yaad dilata hai
Mere purane ho chuke armano ka
Dekhta hoon us aur kafile ko gujrate hue
Kuch waisy hi log jinhe main janta tha
Kuch mere hi jaise chehre
Jane pahchane par fir bhi
Sabhi ajnabi
Kyon chup gaya main
Main bhi nahi janta
Shayad batana nahi chahta unhe
Kaun hoon main
Kaise bhichad gaya kafila mera
Fir chal pada main
Apni hi dagar par
Shayad manjil yaad hai mujhe
Par waqt rukta nahi
Do pal ke liye
Aur chala jata hoon main
Anjaan dagar par...
Do pal ke liye
Safar hai lamba
Aur rasta kathin
Kafila tha jo mera
Nikal chuka hai aage kahin
Door se aati hai kabhi
Aawaz un sathiyon ki
Humsafar the kabhi jo
Fir bhi chal rahe hai kadam
Sham hone ko hai
Aur mukaam ka andaz nahi
Kabhi doobte sooraj ko dekhta hoon
Kabhi samne banhe failaye khade raste ko
Kabhi woh rasta aawaz deta hai
Jise main peeche chod aaya hoon
Kabhi mere hath ki gadi
Apne hone ka ahsaas deti hai
To kabhi meri mutthi ki rait
Bas gujarti jati hai
Kabhi ji karta hai pukaru use
Jo mera farishta hoga kahin
Kabhi sochta hoon nahi hai shayad farishta koi
Kuch sach kuch sapne
Lekin wahi adhura safar
Aur gujrata waqt
Kabhi cheekhta hai sannata
Kabhi khamosh ho jata hai antarman ka shor
Kabhi dekhta hoon nishan us raste par
Akela to nahi main
Bahut log gujre hai isi safar se
Par wo waqt shayad aur tha
Kabhi khojta hoon us veerame me
Shayad chipa hoga koi to kahin
Mere liye devdoot bankar
Ya koi aur bhatak raha hoga
Bhichad kar apne kafile se
Par sannate ko chirti
Meri sanso ki aawaz
Deti hai gawahi mere akelepan ki
Achanak udti hai dhool fir se
Shayad naya kafila hai koi
Na jane kyon
Ek dar sa lagta hai antarman me
Chup jata hoon main
Us purane peepal ke peeche
Yeh peepal mujhe
Na jane kyon yaad dilata hai
Mere purane ho chuke armano ka
Dekhta hoon us aur kafile ko gujrate hue
Kuch waisy hi log jinhe main janta tha
Kuch mere hi jaise chehre
Jane pahchane par fir bhi
Sabhi ajnabi
Kyon chup gaya main
Main bhi nahi janta
Shayad batana nahi chahta unhe
Kaun hoon main
Kaise bhichad gaya kafila mera
Fir chal pada main
Apni hi dagar par
Shayad manjil yaad hai mujhe
Par waqt rukta nahi
Do pal ke liye
Aur chala jata hoon main
Anjaan dagar par...
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Life is moving
Like a strong wind... taking everything along... I am standing there with a hand full of sand... which is sliping every moment... time is passing slowly... i am standing in a crystal chamber... my prized possesion... it differentiates me from others... perhaps everone has one... still i m proud of mine... sometimes i dream of straching myself... touch the winds of change... but the chamber is small and i am afraid of breaking it... I know sand in my hand is moving slowly... i want to hold it tight... but cant do anything... the more i try... more quicker it moves... want to break the silence... but wind is too loud.. too busy to hear anything... it has to do its job... passing with every moment... some one is singing a song... but wind does not have time to hear anything... i cant hear anything... as sound of my silence is getting on me... i wish to runaway... dance with the child who is playing under the tree... make some castles with him... but i am watching him from here... looking my castle... afraid from breaking the crystal... as i have created it... i have started loving its boundaries... i am happy... but my smile is sad... sometimes... there is a pain... deep down the heart... but it refuses to surface on the face... i saw some clouds from my chamber.. i wish it rains... and no one can see those wet eyes... no one can know that within that beautiful chamber... someone is living life watching it passing by every moment.... i still feel i am alive.... as i hear the beats of heart and feel the flow of blood... they call it life... but the sand is still passing... so is time...
Friday, July 13, 2007
Fear of loosing what you dont have...
How many times that happens...?
Fear of loosing things which you might never had...
Are you looking for a bright star? searching nd searching... there are many stars... some bright nd some not so bright... while you are searching for your perfact star.. there might be a star just in front of your eyes... not so bright.... still trying to shine with his full capacity to just capture one glimpse of your eyes... while you are looking for your star... you lost this second star... which was trying the best it could have done... but you never had this star also... so you lost something you never had...
Are you looking for you life partner... searching for some one speacial... ideal... dream comes true... person?
Have a very good friend...??
Someone who does not like rain, yet walking in the rain just because you like so... only because you will feel good?
Someone who is not happy go going person, yet doing party all night just because you like it... only because to give you company?
Someone who is going one extra mile every time to make you happy... to make you feel special... to make you smile one more time...
Feeling worried... you know whom to call... you know the perfact shoulder to cry on...
Got something to share... you know who want to listen every bit of what you want to say...
Feeling lonely... you know who is right person... still looking for perfact one. Something in you says.. he/she may be the one... still the person is just a friend...
Sometime we thinks when the special one comes... there will be something special to let us know that he/she is the special one? what will be that special one? is flood in mumbai is that special event? or a beautiful day will be that special event? or every time when you talk to him/her and feel that you have never been so happy... is that a special event? Perhaps none will be... God does not work that way... he doesn't put ads in your news paper to tell you "the name"... he wont sms you "the name"... his call are often unheared... what if he is calling with that person?
Many times he/she is in our mind when we look out for that special some one... we compare every one with the unknown image we have... but mind is not ready to accept anybody... he just knows that there are better people... he knows somebody better.. so he just keep on refusing all possible "someone special"... if it does happens that there is something to think with both mind and heart.
Sometime heart and mind does not sing in sinc... mind says... he/she might be one... and heart says... what if he/she might not be one? and bettle goes on... heart is just scared... to loose him/her as a friend if moves of mind goes bad... it is not ready to loose that friend... it is not ready to jump to next stepping stone... what if it looses first one...
While mind has it own reasoning... you cant move if you are afraid of taking off your last step... you can not walk a single meter.... to cross a valley you have to jump... you have to leave the first rock in order to get on to next one.... love can never happen if you are not friend with person... it is just stupid feeling to think of someone. whom you love but he/she is not a good friend...
Still heart does not believes... it has its own fears... fear of loosing a friend which is so dear... worth keeping for life long...
Mind says... if he/she is so good friend then the person will understand... you have to leave the good in order to get better... or may be even best... still heart is confused... it is unable to decide the difference between good/better and best.... it want every thing.... good, better and best...
And this is how you loose "the best".... the best which you never had...
Fear of loosing things which you might never had...
Are you looking for a bright star? searching nd searching... there are many stars... some bright nd some not so bright... while you are searching for your perfact star.. there might be a star just in front of your eyes... not so bright.... still trying to shine with his full capacity to just capture one glimpse of your eyes... while you are looking for your star... you lost this second star... which was trying the best it could have done... but you never had this star also... so you lost something you never had...
Are you looking for you life partner... searching for some one speacial... ideal... dream comes true... person?
Have a very good friend...??
Someone who does not like rain, yet walking in the rain just because you like so... only because you will feel good?
Someone who is not happy go going person, yet doing party all night just because you like it... only because to give you company?
Someone who is going one extra mile every time to make you happy... to make you feel special... to make you smile one more time...
Feeling worried... you know whom to call... you know the perfact shoulder to cry on...
Got something to share... you know who want to listen every bit of what you want to say...
Feeling lonely... you know who is right person... still looking for perfact one. Something in you says.. he/she may be the one... still the person is just a friend...
Sometime we thinks when the special one comes... there will be something special to let us know that he/she is the special one? what will be that special one? is flood in mumbai is that special event? or a beautiful day will be that special event? or every time when you talk to him/her and feel that you have never been so happy... is that a special event? Perhaps none will be... God does not work that way... he doesn't put ads in your news paper to tell you "the name"... he wont sms you "the name"... his call are often unheared... what if he is calling with that person?
Many times he/she is in our mind when we look out for that special some one... we compare every one with the unknown image we have... but mind is not ready to accept anybody... he just knows that there are better people... he knows somebody better.. so he just keep on refusing all possible "someone special"... if it does happens that there is something to think with both mind and heart.
Sometime heart and mind does not sing in sinc... mind says... he/she might be one... and heart says... what if he/she might not be one? and bettle goes on... heart is just scared... to loose him/her as a friend if moves of mind goes bad... it is not ready to loose that friend... it is not ready to jump to next stepping stone... what if it looses first one...
While mind has it own reasoning... you cant move if you are afraid of taking off your last step... you can not walk a single meter.... to cross a valley you have to jump... you have to leave the first rock in order to get on to next one.... love can never happen if you are not friend with person... it is just stupid feeling to think of someone. whom you love but he/she is not a good friend...
Still heart does not believes... it has its own fears... fear of loosing a friend which is so dear... worth keeping for life long...
Mind says... if he/she is so good friend then the person will understand... you have to leave the good in order to get better... or may be even best... still heart is confused... it is unable to decide the difference between good/better and best.... it want every thing.... good, better and best...
And this is how you loose "the best".... the best which you never had...
Race for being the last one
Funny... it seems like that from first instance... if they are racing then they would fight to be first one... why race to be last one? still everyone is racing to be "last previleged one".
If still you are among confused souls... just stand near a busy traffic signal for 10 minutes... nd you will grasp the truth behind these words... traffic signal is green... people are moving... fast... everybody want to save 10-15 seconds on the road... it doesn't matter when it comes to chat, drink, eat or television... everybody has ample time... but when on the road... we have no time... (ok... that is all together a different story...) honking on every single vehicle that comes in radar of 10-15 meter... they are moving...
All of sudden signal turns into yellow... nd speed of vehicles increases... got to cross signal before it becomes red... all of the stunts which circus people used to show some years ago are now visible on the signal only... nd then comes the red light... no... there is no sudden breaks.. as yuo might have expected... there comes the real fight... the new moto of life... struggle to be the last one... who crossed the signal...
ok... lets assume that you are not among that crazy crowd... you prefer bus... then what happen when it is time to fill the returns... pay the bills... huge lines on the last tells the truth.... we are waiting... waiting and waiting only to get entry into elite club of "last ones..".
If still you are among confused souls... just stand near a busy traffic signal for 10 minutes... nd you will grasp the truth behind these words... traffic signal is green... people are moving... fast... everybody want to save 10-15 seconds on the road... it doesn't matter when it comes to chat, drink, eat or television... everybody has ample time... but when on the road... we have no time... (ok... that is all together a different story...) honking on every single vehicle that comes in radar of 10-15 meter... they are moving...
All of sudden signal turns into yellow... nd speed of vehicles increases... got to cross signal before it becomes red... all of the stunts which circus people used to show some years ago are now visible on the signal only... nd then comes the red light... no... there is no sudden breaks.. as yuo might have expected... there comes the real fight... the new moto of life... struggle to be the last one... who crossed the signal...
ok... lets assume that you are not among that crazy crowd... you prefer bus... then what happen when it is time to fill the returns... pay the bills... huge lines on the last tells the truth.... we are waiting... waiting and waiting only to get entry into elite club of "last ones..".
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